Such a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia (32 Reviews)    Price verified 4 hours ago

Strip an East Coast man in his forties of his marital obligations, transplant him into San Diego, and something funny happens. Enjoy 84 humorous anecdotes about relationships, love, sex, and lifestyles. Excerpt from Such a Nice Guy - The Walk of Shame I define this as the walk a woman takes from a man's residence to her car after a night of bumping nasties. Did this originate with the "Bridge of Sighs" in Venice? I sure hope not. After all, it doesn't come with a prison sentence. I find this walk hurtful (sniff) and I demand an apology on behalf of my scorned brothers. Why is the walk shameful? • If the neighbors see you, they will think you're slutty. • You're wearing the same clothes from last night (with an assortment of new pulls, wrinkles, and stains). • Your sobriety has exposed my flaws. When I leave a girl's house, I take the "walk of pride" because: • If the neighbors see me, they will think I'm stud-worthy, trustworthy, and responsible for all those funny noises they heard last night (except the sirens, usually). • My wearing the same clothes makes them more weathered looking, which is fashionable for dudes. • You're beautiful and my leaving after sunrise proves you're not a vampire. I will submit a Proposition P to have it renamed the "walk of pride" in the next election. In the meantime, you can park closer, leave before sunrise, dress like a meter maid, or drive a UPS truck.

Genre: Humor & Entertainment

Nice Meeting You by Phil Torcivia (23 Reviews)    Price verified 8 hours ago

A divorced man continues his hilarious search for true love as he struggles to learn what women really want. Excerpt from Nice Meeting You - Breakup Form Letter Dear [insert name of the person you will no longer be sleeping with, unless you get really drunk and lonely], I [have enjoyed/was bored by/regretted] our relationship but [unfortunately/fortunately/thank freaking God] it has come to an end. You're a real [special/nice/stupid] person, and I'm doing this in print so that you don't have any misconceptions about why our relationship is over. Here are the main reasons why I [don't love you anymore/need a break/can no longer stand the sight of you]: [Insert all that apply.] • You smell. • You're a slob. • Your [pets/children/family] are nuisances. • You're cheap. • I found your Match.com profile, and it is chock full of lies. (Athletic and Toned? Really?) • You don't wash your [sheets/shirts/self] often enough. • You're a Boston [Celtics/Red Sox/anything] fan. • You dress as if you're going to a [trailer-park party/high school gym class/luau/funeral]. • Your taste in [food/wine/TV shows/movies/music/coffee] sucks. • I found compromising pictures of you on [your cell phone/Facebook/my friend's phone]. • Whereas you used to [workout/run/surf] multiple times weekly, now you spend more time [riding the couch/playing video games/surfing porn]. • You haven't bought me [jewelry/flowers/chocolate/squat-ola] in months. • I'd rather pay twice the rent than have to stare at your [fat/hairy/bald] [back/butt/head] for another night. • I've met someone [nicer/better/prettier/more handsome/less annoying]. All that remains for us to settle at this point is the following: • [I am/You are] keeping the [sofa/pictures/videos/ring]. • Please [leave my stuff in a bag on your front porch/bring my stuff to my place, and maybe we'll have farewell sex/donate my stuff to Goodwill, except my toothbrush, you ass]. • You [are/are not] ...

Genre: Humor & Entertainment

What a Nice Guy by Phil Torcivia (25 Reviews)    Price verified 9 hours ago

Do you know any nice guys? Perhaps you're married to or good friends with one. Well, consider the possibility that this nice guy is so frustrated with his relationship failures that he needs to vent to keep from turning into a bad boy with anger issues. Then, try not to spit hot coffee as you read his sarcastic rants about why men and women don't seem to fit. Excerpt from What a Nice Guy -- Snippity Doo Dah My initial vasectomy consultation is scheduled for today and I can't get this song out of my head: Snippity doo dah, snippity aye, My, oh my, what a wonderful day! None of my sperm is going to stray. Snippity doo dah, snippity aye. Mister blue balls getting older, No child support It's so practical. Everything's satisfactual! (Everbody now... ) Snippity doo dah, snippity aye, Rubberless feelings coming my way! If you're staring at this page with mouth agape, you're either my mother or a fertile woman. Men, can I have an amen? You betcha. Look, ladies, I turn fifty this year. I need offspring like I need square dancing lessons. If I were to have one of my little guys actually find an egg, that would make me almost seventy by the time Junior went to prom. I'd be riding my daughter down the aisle on my scooter. I've done the math. It costs $800, which is equivalent to twenty morning-after pills, two abortions, or a case of Silver Oak wine. I'll sacrifice the latter for peace of mind. It is also one-hundredth the cost of a college education, one-tenth the cost of a used car (plus repairs), and half the cost of outgrown sneakers. I know, I know. "You still need to wear condoms. What about STDs?" That's true (and it sucks), but it makes the whole process less stressful when breakage or slippage occurs. Actually, I think I've only had a rubber break once in my life. Slippage has happened numerous times. (OK, stop with the tiny penis jokes.) I'm sure we've all had that shocking/embarrassing moment when ole Willy leaves the party without his ...

Genre: Humor & Entertainment